For Your Good

If you would have told me a few years ago that I would actually go through with starting college, and that I would get accepted into the honors program and become a 4.0 student, I would have laughed very hard (yet respectively) in your face.

If you would have told me four years ago that I would willingly choose a career that required numerous--let me say that again: NUMEROUS--years of college education, I would have nervously laughed (with a hope that you were absolutely crazy), paired with a remark of, "Dear goodness, let's hope not!"

Needless to say, sometimes we are led places we long to be nowhere close to. Sometimes we are led places we picture ourselves drowning in a pit of sinking sand. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in all of these occasions we are led to these places for our betterment, and with our very utmost in mind. (Ps 84:11, Is 30:18, Lam 3:25) 

At this point, I've got to ground my heart. Sometimes when I think of my betterment I think of things that would truly make me "happy," or relationships that would truly make me "satisfied." But in all honesty, none of these things have anything to do with the type of good that is being given to us. Yes, a 4.0 is good, but that is not the end all be all--and let me just tell you, to God be the glory for that!

“Christlikeness is God’s goal for all who trust in Christ, and that should be our goal also.” (Jerry Bridges) Our betterment is not external, but internal. (2 Cor 3:18, Rom 8:29)

Stay the course. It may be long. It may be hard. There might be soul crippling shadows. There might be grouchy, coffee-lacking people surrounding you, but take heart, for you travel not alone. There is One who is walking with you. One who will never leave your side when the going gets tough, nor desert you when you’re a complete basket case. He is faithful, loyal, and a lover of the very depths of your soul. He wants you to have peace and assurance through the hard days. He wants you to be filled with joy and patience that can be tested through fire. He wants you to be an emulator of the very One that was given to you.

As He places me in situations I would never have asked to be placed, I find Him growing fruits of His glory. However, growth requires pruning, pruning means it's going to get a bit uncomfortable, and uncomfortable means we're probably not going to like it. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, will ask us to get uncomfortable and step out onto the waves, for that is where His perfecting grace abounds.

May we fall madly in love with Jesus. May He become the purpose of our life. May we get to that point in our relationship with Christ where circumstances fall to the wayside, knowing whatever comes our way, we can say with hands stretched out to the sky in worship: It Is Well With My Soul.

***I found this post saved under my drafts tonight. It was written a few months ago, but I never published it. Crazy how God works. Such a good reminder for me as this new year begins.***

Wanderlust

10/07/2014

So much of me longs to travel. Enjoying the here and now, experiencing life at its fullest, seising today and living fearlessly. How great it would be to be emerged in different cultures! And what a joy it would be to view the workmanship of creation made by an all-powerful Creator. Glorifying Him in all of the nations! I desire to experience life outside of the known. I yearn to physically, mentally, and spiritually come to the end of myself, having no one to turn to expect Him. I aspire to learn more about the person He has created me to be, and to explore the vastness of who He is. I long for an adventure with the One who saved me from myself.

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What is a year compared to a lifetime, and a lifetime to eternity? If not now, then when? I don’t want to live a safe, easy, comfortable life. I want to live radically… Differently. I want to make a difference in the lives around me. To be an unlikely vessel used for His purposes.
I long to be courageous and fearless while following the One I love into the unknown. Following where my faith is without borders.

...but what about school? This is the struggle. I certainly don’t want to throw an education down the drain--and that certainly isn’t my intent. I would have full intentions of getting back into school because I see the usefulness of it; the blessing it can be turned into, and the sheer privilege it is. I get it. But sometimes I think we forget that God is more concerned with us and our inward self than with our accomplishments. And once I'm done with school, it's not like life is going to slow down. I will most likely have student loans, and one shouldn't be heading overseas with that looming over one's head. It's not wise. I will have to get a "big girl" job to pay off those wonderful student loans. I might have a family. Life will be unrelenting. On the other hand: why not get school done with? Just get over myself, buckle down, and grit my teeth through it. That would surely be an adventure of its own--and God can surely use me in school. I can live just as radically and fearlessly no matter where I am. The place doesn't change the person, it just changes their vantage point. Ideally, I don't think either choice is wrong. They both make sense. So I have to get beyond this. I have to surrender my desires and trust Him to lead me. I don't want to go somewhere He is not prompting me to go, I also don't want to stay if He is asking me to go. Ultimately, it's not about me; it's about Him. They're His plans, and it's His glory.

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Lord, I'm ready to go on an adventure with you... but I'm horrible with maps, so I will hand that over to you. Take the lead; I'll follow.

FINDING JOY

*Written in August of 2014*

This past season of my life seems to have been preparation for the preparation. (Get what I'm sayin'?) Yes. That’s right. God knew that I would be needing some preparation just to be prepared for His preparation! I am one of the weakest, most timid, naive persons I think I have—or will ever— meet. And that’s okay! In fact, I'll take joy in this!  Because I know (and now you know), anything I have ever done or will ever do, is only by the grace of God. 

From finding the strength & joy to get out of bed every. single. day. (yes, most days it's a challenge!), to being able to do anything of any importance in the Kingdom of God.

But do you know what’s crazy? I don’t want the kind of preparation He has been preparing me for! Don’t you think God could come up with a different idea for me than what He’s already made clear to me? I mean, I am really dreading this “college” thing. Yes, I’m signed up for the classes but there is still time to change things around!!! It’s not like it would take a whole lot of effort for God to change the direction of my path! 

Him beckoning me to college—and this is just my hunch— is not so much about where He is sending me(to further my education); but how He is sending me (meaning, my demeanor and my heart’s attitude).

We find joy not in what we’re doing, but Who we are doing it for.

You see, no matter what I decide to major in, no matter where I am in thirty years, if I’m not joyfully following after God and what He is asking me to do… well, I fear I may have missed a lesson somewhere along the way (possibly this lesson at this exact time)…

This is my dilemma. I don’t think there has ever been a time as this where I’ve had such a difficult time in following after my Lord and Savior joyfully. Facing this season of my life head on, knowing how I should be responding (joyfully) while every fiber of my being cringes at the thought. How do I change this? 

This is what I’m trying to figure out.

• Is it my narrow outlook and lack of vision?

• Is it a lack of love for God?

• Could it be something I’m doing wrong? 

As I am asking myself these questions, I am being reminded of a quote I read just the other day: “Joy doesn’t come from success, circumstances or a lack of adversity. It’s a good gift that comes from spending time with the One who created it.”

Joy is not like happiness. It’s not based on one’s circumstances; it’s not temporary.

Joy is a gift from God that does not get washed away with the tidal wave that came through and demolished your life.

What do I do, then? How do I move on from this doldrum that I’m stuck in?

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure. All I know is that I can’t continue to look at this path that God has placed me on with the same set of glasses I’ve been using. I need a new prescription. I might even need to go further and say I need a completely new set of eyes!

So here it is: I am going to challenge myself to “chin up”, face the music, choose to walk (more realistically, I might be crawling… digging my fingers into the ground, mustering up every ounce of strength I have… collapsing with nothing left in me… being carried by the strong, compassionate arms of grace—arms belonging to the One who saved my life and continuers to do so every moment of every day) down this path He has called me to travel, and to do so JOYFULLY. 

Instant Gratification

Let’s talk cheesecake.

If you could have a piece of cheesecake now or in 48 hours, what would you choose?

Is this a hard decision for you? Because, personally, you can bet your precious tootsie rolls that I would want it pronto! Give me that slice of cheesecake! I've thought about that cheesecake, dreamed about how good that cheesecake will taste, and now I want that stinkin’ cheesecake! Not tomorrow. Now! 

I want instant gratification.

Such is so with my life. 

There are some things in my life right now that I just want to be on the fast-track plan. You know the plan I’m talking about. The plan of ease, minimal stress, minimal trust. The plan with little effort and maximum fulfillment. Where if you do this small thing, you will get this big reward. I want to do little preparation. I just want this life of mine to feel like it’s actually started! That I am actually being used in a very involved, helpful, and needed way! Let’s just get this show on the road!!! There’s no time like the present!

Yet, as much as I want my time to feel like it is being used in a very active way, I know that, at this moment in life, God is wanting me to invest my time towards my future. He wants me to be diligent in the small things.

An investment.

That, without a doubt, is not instantly gratifying.

But who said life was all about us and what we want right at this moment? Because it’s not. Whoever said that is dead wrong.

Our purpose is to bring the utmost glory to God in our own lives. Doing things that make us uncomfortable. Stepping out on faith. Putting yourself in a position where if God didn't come through, you would be in deep deep trouble. And on the flip side, maybe it's doing the things that you think no one even notices; trusting that God is using even the smallest things for His Kingdom purposes.

And if God wants invested time from me right now, I can think of nothing more glorifying than trusting and following His lead. Stepping off of the cliff and falling into His strong arms of grace and provision.

He knows my weaknesses. He knows my inadequacies. He knows my fears.

But the beauty of God and what He sees is that not only does He see us as we are (and still loves us) but he sees our potential. Our potential through Him and His transforming grace and overwhelming power.

Pull Up A Chair

Hello, long-lost-blog-reading-friends!
It's been over a year since I tried to pour out what was so heavy on my heart. Time sure does fly, does it not?!
I'm thinking I should try to get you up to speed on what's happened this past year so that I can, at some point in time, let you know what is going on currently - and since this is my blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do. *insert a "Mwah-hahaha" laugh here*

Shall we begin?

In January 2013, I went to a conference in Atlanta, GA. It was called Passion. (I will have you note, that was three months after I got the email from the orphanage in Uganda, Africa. If you want the backstory to that I would suggest looking at my previous post.) I was very hesitant to go to Passion but I obviously decided to - and I am so glad I did! God had a wonderful plan that would soon blow my socks off!

Going into this conference I was heartbroken. I was a pile of broken pieces and I stifled those dreams and longings that God placed in me. I didn't allow myself to dream in fear of getting hurt again. But lo and behold, God got talking to me while I was praying in one of the prayer rooms at Passion. He told me I needed to start dreaming again. Friends, that's when I lost it. I was a blubbery mess. "How in the world do I start dreaming again after all that my heart has been through?" I thought to myself. I didn't know how to even begin trying.

Continuing throughout the weekend, I just so happened to meet up with one of the girls I went to Uganda with during the summer of 2011! I just happened to post a picture on Facebook to which she commented asking if I was at Passion. So to cut the story short, we met up. :) Call me crazy, but I believe God knew I needed that. I needed someone I could pour my heart out to and someone I could also pour into. I needed that reminder of what God did on that Uganda trip as well as what He could presently do.

A night later I recognized one of the girls I was rooming with to be the same girl I had talked to while waiting to board a flight from Atlanta to Chicago on my way home from Uganda! (She had gone to Kenya with the same organization I had went with. I thought I recognized her from the training camp. Just to be sure I wasn't crazy, I started a conversation with her and found out that I, indeed, was not crazy! She was truly at training camp!)
The conversation I had with her in our hotel room in Atlanta went a little something like this:

Me - Can I ask you a few crazy questions? If you stick with me it will hopefully make sense. Is that okay?
Her- Okay... Sure.
Me - Have you been overseas?
Her- Yes...
Me- Have you been to Africa?
Her- Yes...
Me- Was it with an organization called Adventures In Missions last year?
Her- ..... Oh my gosh! Yes!!!! ... You're the girl I talked to at the airport!?!?!?!?!
Me- Oh my goodness!!! I thought I was crazy!!!

Pile all of these things together and you have one amazed Courtney. Call it coincidence if you would like but I know that it was not just by chance. I know that weekend was the work of my Creator. He gave me the joy in looking back, the peace and strength for the moment, and the hope in looking towards the future.

Time went by and I found myself dreaming again. I also found myself getting a job.
The struggle then became,
1.) do I head straight off overseas doing mission work of some kind
or 2.) do I stay in the states, work, and eventually go to college?

My heart wanted to head overseas right away! No time like the present and I will not be young forever, right?

Then there was the "stay in the states" option. And only the Lord knows how badly I did NOT want to do that! But for some reason, that's what I felt God calling me to do. 

Looking back, I know I tried to push that feeling aside. I tried very hard. But one night, after getting some wise council, I put it before the Lord. I asked God to give me complete peace about one thing or the other. And He did - but I didn't like it... He was calling me to stay in the states. I had to daily - and sometimes momentarily - surrender my will. I had to lay down my desire to rush right over to Africa. It was hard.

A few weeks later, I laid in my bed with a wandering mind. I wondered why it was so hard for me to stay in America. Finding that it was because of an idol and a trust issue I had. 

First, let's tackle the trust issue. You see, I feared that if I stayed in the states and went to school that God would abandon me. Deep down, I thought that He would just leave me and would never finish the work He'd started in me. I'd finish college, maybe have a family and a good job, but I would never see the dreams God placed in my heart come to fruition. Simply put: lack of trust.
Now to address the idol issue. This might be a tough one for me to explain so just grit your teeth with me and hopefully we will make it out alright... But first, let's start with someone else's words:

 “The human heart is an idol factory that takes good things like a successful career, love, material possessions, even family, and turns them into ultimate things. Our hearts deify them as the center of our lives, because, we think, they can give us significance and security, safety and fulfillment, if we attain them." -Tim Keller
I had made my desire to go to Africa an idol. What started out as a good thing, my desire to serve God in a distant land because of my love for Him, became my desire to be in a distant land to serve God. Does that make sense? My desire shifted. I placed being in Africa above loving and serving God. (Who knows if that came across correctly but I am trusting that you will somehow make sense of it.) 

That night I put both of those things to death. I smashed down my idol and I handed my entire life over to Christ - trusting that He would see me through.
I came to the point where I knew even if I never set foot in Africa again, I would still have complete trust that God knew what He was doing and He would see me through to the end of my race. Finishing the work He had begun in me...

And now, months later, I wait. I wait with joyful anticipation for the plans He has for my life.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," -Eph. 3:20

Until next time!

Painful Vulnerability

Any form of rejection is hard. Even if it is in your best interest.
Having reactionary feelings of pain and sorrow is hard to deal with. Even when you know that one day, just as promised, joy will come in the morning.
...
Seeing your friends, and even your own sister, go off with the Lord's leading to the land that you love----To be painfully honest----Is quite hard. More than I would actually like to admit.
...

Having this restless feeling inside of you is difficult when you realize that at this moment, you need to wait on God.  
Goodness, patience is a real toughy to live out sometimes.

...

With that said:
Having the great I AM wrap you in His arms, telling you it's all going to be okay--it overcomes those feelings and brings peace..
Having the Comforter tell you that it was not in vain and the best is still yet to come--it brings a sort of closure as well as hope.
...
Let me offer you some hindsight. Recently, I submitted an application to an orphanage in Africa to volunteer for a year. They said there were just too many applicants and so little room. My application wasn't accepted. Sure, it was a huge blow. Tons of feelings streaming through my mind. Oddly enough--peace was mixed in there, too.
...
I had spent the last year praying, researching, talking with friends and family about it, and waiting to turn in my application after just a little bit more of prayer. And so, after a little more than a year's worth of prayer and everything I've mentioned, I had finely felt the "OK" from God. I turned my application in. It was exhilarating. Exciting. I let my thoughts wonder. I, as I often do, let my heart be swept away to a place I had fallen in love with. The people. The children. The thought of following God to where He was calling me for an entire year. I was beginning to plan things out in my head. I was looking up prices for airline tickets. I was looking at suitcases online and sizing them to make sure there wouldn't be any problems with them on the airplane. I was thinking of all that I would pack and all of the things I would leave at home.
...
And yet, even though my mind was going a hundred miles an hour, I would try to keep my feet firmly on the ground. I would remind myself by not only thinking but saying that I might not get accepted. With that thought did come sorrow but also some peace.
...
I knew God was leading me and that whatever may happen I still wanted to give Him all the glory and praise. No matter the outcome.Which is really the only reason I am writing this. Trust me. It has taken me close to two months to even share this. I don't enjoy talking about it whatsoever. My stomach tightens up and I get very uncomfortable. My heartbeat quickens. When I talk about it my voice tends to shake and my mind can't figure out what to let come out of my mouth. 
Honestly, if I wanted to selfishly make the choice, believe me, I would keep this all to myself and never mention it again. Ever. I would try to forget it all. The embarrassment, sorrow, confusion, etc.. But where does God get the glory in that? He Doesn't.
...
It took more than three months to hear back from the orphanage. Three very long months. Through that time God was teaching me more about patience. He was helping me get through those days. Holding my hand on some and carrying me along in His strong arms during most of them(and He continues to do so in these days of healing and what not). He was my strength. He was growing me. Teaching me. Most of all, I believe, He was preparing me for the outcome by giving me His peace. Teaching me to rest in it. Leaning against Him and just breathing. Knowing that no matter what--He would never leave my side and all I had to do was claim His peace that He so willingly holds out to all of His children.
...
When I opened up the email telling me that, due to the overwhelming amount of applicants and lack of room, I wouldn't be able to volunteer in the year to come, many feelings enveloped me. One of those feelings, like I told you earlier, was the peace that surpasses all understanding. The peace that I had been learning about. The peace that is so graciously given.
...
A question I asked over and over again is probably a typical question that would be asked.
"WHY?"
Why would God lead me to this orphanage just to be, put simply---rejected? Why does it seem like He was trying to get my hopes up only to let them come crashing back down--completely broken?(Thankfully caught by His warm loving hands.)
Honestly, I am not entirely sure. But after each "why" I hear his reply. He is telling me it was not in vain. Time and time again: It was not in vain. It was not in vain. It was not in vain.
This I do know: I need to trust Him. My Heavenly Father has taught His daughter numerous things. Priceless things. Things I would not have been able to have learnt if it had not been for this experience. Therefore, I too can say: It was not in vain.
...
In this moment of emotions, I will praise Him for His faithfulness, comfort, wisdom, and a bazillion more of His wonderful attributes.
In this moment of waiting, I will try to grow where I am currently planted.
And in this moment, I will put my complete trust in my Shepherd to lead me not astray.

One Year Ago...

Dear imaginary people I imagine are reading this, 

It has been one year today since I stepped onto a plane to start my journey to Africa.  There are days it almost feels as if I was there just yesterday and then there are days my trip feels like a dream.  Like a wonderful God-inspiered dream.

As I look back I can see how beautifully God had worked everything together;  He was so incredibly faithful.  (What else could I have expected?)  He worked everything out.  From the very beginning He had it all planned out.  He placed together a team whose stories would intertwine and a team that was ready to do God's work in Uganda.  And believe it or not,  God used us in very mighty ways!  He decided to use a team of mess-ups  (we all are,  aren't we?)  for His glory.  What a marvelous God He is for letting us be apart of his mighty plan.

I think of my trip day and night.  It is hardly ever out of my mind.  I pray one day that God will let me go back to the place that stole my heart, but until that day I will tell of his wondrous works.  I will give all the glory to Him and Him alone.  I will follow His plans for my life,  wherever they might take me,  and I will not rest until He calls me home with Him.