Instant Gratification

Let’s talk cheesecake.

If you could have a piece of cheesecake now or in 48 hours, what would you choose?

Is this a hard decision for you? Because, personally, you can bet your precious tootsie rolls that I would want it pronto! Give me that slice of cheesecake! I've thought about that cheesecake, dreamed about how good that cheesecake will taste, and now I want that stinkin’ cheesecake! Not tomorrow. Now! 

I want instant gratification.

Such is so with my life. 

There are some things in my life right now that I just want to be on the fast-track plan. You know the plan I’m talking about. The plan of ease, minimal stress, minimal trust. The plan with little effort and maximum fulfillment. Where if you do this small thing, you will get this big reward. I want to do little preparation. I just want this life of mine to feel like it’s actually started! That I am actually being used in a very involved, helpful, and needed way! Let’s just get this show on the road!!! There’s no time like the present!

Yet, as much as I want my time to feel like it is being used in a very active way, I know that, at this moment in life, God is wanting me to invest my time towards my future. He wants me to be diligent in the small things.

An investment.

That, without a doubt, is not instantly gratifying.

But who said life was all about us and what we want right at this moment? Because it’s not. Whoever said that is dead wrong.

Our purpose is to bring the utmost glory to God in our own lives. Doing things that make us uncomfortable. Stepping out on faith. Putting yourself in a position where if God didn't come through, you would be in deep deep trouble. And on the flip side, maybe it's doing the things that you think no one even notices; trusting that God is using even the smallest things for His Kingdom purposes.

And if God wants invested time from me right now, I can think of nothing more glorifying than trusting and following His lead. Stepping off of the cliff and falling into His strong arms of grace and provision.

He knows my weaknesses. He knows my inadequacies. He knows my fears.

But the beauty of God and what He sees is that not only does He see us as we are (and still loves us) but he sees our potential. Our potential through Him and His transforming grace and overwhelming power.

Pull Up A Chair

Hello, long-lost-blog-reading-friends!
It's been over a year since I tried to pour out what was so heavy on my heart. Time sure does fly, does it not?!
I'm thinking I should try to get you up to speed on what's happened this past year so that I can, at some point in time, let you know what is going on currently - and since this is my blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do. *insert a "Mwah-hahaha" laugh here*

Shall we begin?

In January 2013, I went to a conference in Atlanta, GA. It was called Passion. (I will have you note, that was three months after I got the email from the orphanage in Uganda, Africa. If you want the backstory to that I would suggest looking at my previous post.) I was very hesitant to go to Passion but I obviously decided to - and I am so glad I did! God had a wonderful plan that would soon blow my socks off!

Going into this conference I was heartbroken. I was a pile of broken pieces and I stifled those dreams and longings that God placed in me. I didn't allow myself to dream in fear of getting hurt again. But lo and behold, God got talking to me while I was praying in one of the prayer rooms at Passion. He told me I needed to start dreaming again. Friends, that's when I lost it. I was a blubbery mess. "How in the world do I start dreaming again after all that my heart has been through?" I thought to myself. I didn't know how to even begin trying.

Continuing throughout the weekend, I just so happened to meet up with one of the girls I went to Uganda with during the summer of 2011! I just happened to post a picture on Facebook to which she commented asking if I was at Passion. So to cut the story short, we met up. :) Call me crazy, but I believe God knew I needed that. I needed someone I could pour my heart out to and someone I could also pour into. I needed that reminder of what God did on that Uganda trip as well as what He could presently do.

A night later I recognized one of the girls I was rooming with to be the same girl I had talked to while waiting to board a flight from Atlanta to Chicago on my way home from Uganda! (She had gone to Kenya with the same organization I had went with. I thought I recognized her from the training camp. Just to be sure I wasn't crazy, I started a conversation with her and found out that I, indeed, was not crazy! She was truly at training camp!)
The conversation I had with her in our hotel room in Atlanta went a little something like this:

Me - Can I ask you a few crazy questions? If you stick with me it will hopefully make sense. Is that okay?
Her- Okay... Sure.
Me - Have you been overseas?
Her- Yes...
Me- Have you been to Africa?
Her- Yes...
Me- Was it with an organization called Adventures In Missions last year?
Her- ..... Oh my gosh! Yes!!!! ... You're the girl I talked to at the airport!?!?!?!?!
Me- Oh my goodness!!! I thought I was crazy!!!

Pile all of these things together and you have one amazed Courtney. Call it coincidence if you would like but I know that it was not just by chance. I know that weekend was the work of my Creator. He gave me the joy in looking back, the peace and strength for the moment, and the hope in looking towards the future.

Time went by and I found myself dreaming again. I also found myself getting a job.
The struggle then became,
1.) do I head straight off overseas doing mission work of some kind
or 2.) do I stay in the states, work, and eventually go to college?

My heart wanted to head overseas right away! No time like the present and I will not be young forever, right?

Then there was the "stay in the states" option. And only the Lord knows how badly I did NOT want to do that! But for some reason, that's what I felt God calling me to do. 

Looking back, I know I tried to push that feeling aside. I tried very hard. But one night, after getting some wise council, I put it before the Lord. I asked God to give me complete peace about one thing or the other. And He did - but I didn't like it... He was calling me to stay in the states. I had to daily - and sometimes momentarily - surrender my will. I had to lay down my desire to rush right over to Africa. It was hard.

A few weeks later, I laid in my bed with a wandering mind. I wondered why it was so hard for me to stay in America. Finding that it was because of an idol and a trust issue I had. 

First, let's tackle the trust issue. You see, I feared that if I stayed in the states and went to school that God would abandon me. Deep down, I thought that He would just leave me and would never finish the work He'd started in me. I'd finish college, maybe have a family and a good job, but I would never see the dreams God placed in my heart come to fruition. Simply put: lack of trust.
Now to address the idol issue. This might be a tough one for me to explain so just grit your teeth with me and hopefully we will make it out alright... But first, let's start with someone else's words:

 “The human heart is an idol factory that takes good things like a successful career, love, material possessions, even family, and turns them into ultimate things. Our hearts deify them as the center of our lives, because, we think, they can give us significance and security, safety and fulfillment, if we attain them." -Tim Keller
I had made my desire to go to Africa an idol. What started out as a good thing, my desire to serve God in a distant land because of my love for Him, became my desire to be in a distant land to serve God. Does that make sense? My desire shifted. I placed being in Africa above loving and serving God. (Who knows if that came across correctly but I am trusting that you will somehow make sense of it.) 

That night I put both of those things to death. I smashed down my idol and I handed my entire life over to Christ - trusting that He would see me through.
I came to the point where I knew even if I never set foot in Africa again, I would still have complete trust that God knew what He was doing and He would see me through to the end of my race. Finishing the work He had begun in me...

And now, months later, I wait. I wait with joyful anticipation for the plans He has for my life.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," -Eph. 3:20

Until next time!

Painful Vulnerability

Any form of rejection is hard. Even if it is in your best interest.
Having reactionary feelings of pain and sorrow is hard to deal with. Even when you know that one day, just as promised, joy will come in the morning.
...
Seeing your friends, and even your own sister, go off with the Lord's leading to the land that you love----To be painfully honest----Is quite hard. More than I would actually like to admit.
...

Having this restless feeling inside of you is difficult when you realize that at this moment, you need to wait on God.  
Goodness, patience is a real toughy to live out sometimes.

...

With that said:
Having the great I AM wrap you in His arms, telling you it's all going to be okay--it overcomes those feelings and brings peace..
Having the Comforter tell you that it was not in vain and the best is still yet to come--it brings a sort of closure as well as hope.
...
Let me offer you some hindsight. Recently, I submitted an application to an orphanage in Africa to volunteer for a year. They said there were just too many applicants and so little room. My application wasn't accepted. Sure, it was a huge blow. Tons of feelings streaming through my mind. Oddly enough--peace was mixed in there, too.
...
I had spent the last year praying, researching, talking with friends and family about it, and waiting to turn in my application after just a little bit more of prayer. And so, after a little more than a year's worth of prayer and everything I've mentioned, I had finely felt the "OK" from God. I turned my application in. It was exhilarating. Exciting. I let my thoughts wonder. I, as I often do, let my heart be swept away to a place I had fallen in love with. The people. The children. The thought of following God to where He was calling me for an entire year. I was beginning to plan things out in my head. I was looking up prices for airline tickets. I was looking at suitcases online and sizing them to make sure there wouldn't be any problems with them on the airplane. I was thinking of all that I would pack and all of the things I would leave at home.
...
And yet, even though my mind was going a hundred miles an hour, I would try to keep my feet firmly on the ground. I would remind myself by not only thinking but saying that I might not get accepted. With that thought did come sorrow but also some peace.
...
I knew God was leading me and that whatever may happen I still wanted to give Him all the glory and praise. No matter the outcome.Which is really the only reason I am writing this. Trust me. It has taken me close to two months to even share this. I don't enjoy talking about it whatsoever. My stomach tightens up and I get very uncomfortable. My heartbeat quickens. When I talk about it my voice tends to shake and my mind can't figure out what to let come out of my mouth. 
Honestly, if I wanted to selfishly make the choice, believe me, I would keep this all to myself and never mention it again. Ever. I would try to forget it all. The embarrassment, sorrow, confusion, etc.. But where does God get the glory in that? He Doesn't.
...
It took more than three months to hear back from the orphanage. Three very long months. Through that time God was teaching me more about patience. He was helping me get through those days. Holding my hand on some and carrying me along in His strong arms during most of them(and He continues to do so in these days of healing and what not). He was my strength. He was growing me. Teaching me. Most of all, I believe, He was preparing me for the outcome by giving me His peace. Teaching me to rest in it. Leaning against Him and just breathing. Knowing that no matter what--He would never leave my side and all I had to do was claim His peace that He so willingly holds out to all of His children.
...
When I opened up the email telling me that, due to the overwhelming amount of applicants and lack of room, I wouldn't be able to volunteer in the year to come, many feelings enveloped me. One of those feelings, like I told you earlier, was the peace that surpasses all understanding. The peace that I had been learning about. The peace that is so graciously given.
...
A question I asked over and over again is probably a typical question that would be asked.
"WHY?"
Why would God lead me to this orphanage just to be, put simply---rejected? Why does it seem like He was trying to get my hopes up only to let them come crashing back down--completely broken?(Thankfully caught by His warm loving hands.)
Honestly, I am not entirely sure. But after each "why" I hear his reply. He is telling me it was not in vain. Time and time again: It was not in vain. It was not in vain. It was not in vain.
This I do know: I need to trust Him. My Heavenly Father has taught His daughter numerous things. Priceless things. Things I would not have been able to have learnt if it had not been for this experience. Therefore, I too can say: It was not in vain.
...
In this moment of emotions, I will praise Him for His faithfulness, comfort, wisdom, and a bazillion more of His wonderful attributes.
In this moment of waiting, I will try to grow where I am currently planted.
And in this moment, I will put my complete trust in my Shepherd to lead me not astray.

One Year Ago...

Dear imaginary people I imagine are reading this, 

It has been one year today since I stepped onto a plane to start my journey to Africa.  There are days it almost feels as if I was there just yesterday and then there are days my trip feels like a dream.  Like a wonderful God-inspiered dream.

As I look back I can see how beautifully God had worked everything together;  He was so incredibly faithful.  (What else could I have expected?)  He worked everything out.  From the very beginning He had it all planned out.  He placed together a team whose stories would intertwine and a team that was ready to do God's work in Uganda.  And believe it or not,  God used us in very mighty ways!  He decided to use a team of mess-ups  (we all are,  aren't we?)  for His glory.  What a marvelous God He is for letting us be apart of his mighty plan.

I think of my trip day and night.  It is hardly ever out of my mind.  I pray one day that God will let me go back to the place that stole my heart, but until that day I will tell of his wondrous works.  I will give all the glory to Him and Him alone.  I will follow His plans for my life,  wherever they might take me,  and I will not rest until He calls me home with Him.

 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:37-39

"A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:25-27

These verses have crossed my mind more than once these past few weeks.  Let me explain...
I am looking at a trip oversees for 9 months in the year 2013. Thinking how long that actually is to be away from my family is a little bit nerve racking. Thinking of all the things that I might miss out on like birthdays, holidays, family time, crazy long car rides that are always exciting experiences, cooking in the kitchen with my Momma, et cetera, et cetera.  But if I were to miss out on any of these things it would have to be because I was serving God and following Him where I felt Him leading me (and I think he is leading me to go on this trip).

I wonder at times if I love God so much that in comparison to my love for him, my love for my family looks like hatred. We hear people say, 'so-and-so, I love you so much that I would take a bullet for you any day.' or 'so-and-so, because I love you so much I would lay down my life for you.'. Now I am not saying that that is a bad thing because obviously John 15:13 is in agreement with this, but I wonder if these people would be willing to 'take a bullet' for Jesus. Me included. 

Do we love Jesus so much that we would go anywhere for Him? That we would do anything for Him?
Would we lay our lives at Jesus' feet in complete surrender? Giving Jesus complete control of our lives?

Well, this is the part of the blog where I try to think of a good way to end it and I am having a 'writers block' kind of moment. So I will end off with a wonderful Bible verse (that I love, love, love) which is found in Isaiah.

"How beautiful on the mountains

      are the feet of the messenger who brings good news,

   the good news of peace and salvation,

      the news that the God of Israel reigns!"

Pictures That "Pinch My Heart"

                                                   These are a few pictures that "pinch my heart"

This boy was outside of our van taxi as we stopped to try some corn roasted over a fire. 

He is just so adorable and was loving all of the attention.

Girls staring at a very interesting sight.... Us.

Ladies working hard to feed their families but stopping to

look at probably one of the strangest sights they have ever 

seen... once again, us.

Children surrounding the little brick house we were having lunch in.

More children!

Looking through holes. I was playing a cute little game with this child.

She would stick her hand through the hole and then I would tickle it, she would 

bring her hand back out of the hole as fast as she could and giggle then we would repeat. 

To add to the fun I would stick my hand out the hole and she would tickle my hand.

It was precious.

This little boy danced for us! He is so cute!

This is a priceless picture.

I am still amazed...

My African Tree!!!!!

If you can't see this clearly, there is a boy (guess of age:3 or 4) with a 

baby on his back. This was a very normal thing to see.

I am loving this picture! 

We visited this school got to share the love of Jesus with them

and hopefully got to make their day a little bit better.

Priceless moment. This young lady was so excited to win the relay race.

Bless her little heart!

We were playing a game of Team Tag. I loved seeing all of their smiles and hearing 

all of the laughter.

How cute are these two little darlings?!?!?!

Resting under the shade of a tree. It was a very hot day.

A BABY GOAT!!! I really miss seeing these little animals meandering around...

Cute, right? 

I know!!!

I love this little girl. Such a precious child of God.

Meet Precious. Precious is so cute! I love her so much but

don't let her deceive you. Her teeth are very sharp. There is a scar to prove it. Just ask Josie.

Precious and her first balloon! 

How cute is that little face!!!

She was our little neighbor across the road. . . Oh how I miss these little faces.

I hope you enjoyed!

Dear Brothers and Sisters...

I remember what a man had asked me one day in Africa while I was standing outside. He asked if he could have a Bible. He then went on to say "How can I know God's word if I do not have God's word?" 
This got me to thinking. How many christian homes have Bibles throughout their house that they are taking for granted (probably more than you can count with just your fingers)? How many Bibles are sitting on a shelf collecting dust when God could use His word to pour into someone's life? How many people around the world don't have a Bible, and here we are with them just sitting throughout our homes while we are watching TV or hanging out with friends... without us giving any thought to it? 
Something is just not right.
"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." Hebrews 4:12-13
Goodness! I would love to know how many of us ''christians'' actually take time to sit down to read and meditate on God's word?  Here we are with the word of God that could-and would-change our lives and it is just sitting somewhere collecting dust...
This has to change. The people of Christ should be reading, studying, and meditating on the word of God! We should be giving the word of God to those who don't have one and who want one. 
What are we doing dear brothers and sisters! 

Stand up, reach out, and change the world... One Bible at a time.