Wanderlust

10/07/2014

So much of me longs to travel. Enjoying the here and now, experiencing life at its fullest, seising today and living fearlessly. How great it would be to be emerged in different cultures! And what a joy it would be to view the workmanship of creation made by an all-powerful Creator. Glorifying Him in all of the nations! I desire to experience life outside of the known. I yearn to physically, mentally, and spiritually come to the end of myself, having no one to turn to expect Him. I aspire to learn more about the person He has created me to be, and to explore the vastness of who He is. I long for an adventure with the One who saved me from myself.

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What is a year compared to a lifetime, and a lifetime to eternity? If not now, then when? I don’t want to live a safe, easy, comfortable life. I want to live radically… Differently. I want to make a difference in the lives around me. To be an unlikely vessel used for His purposes.
I long to be courageous and fearless while following the One I love into the unknown. Following where my faith is without borders.

...but what about school? This is the struggle. I certainly don’t want to throw an education down the drain--and that certainly isn’t my intent. I would have full intentions of getting back into school because I see the usefulness of it; the blessing it can be turned into, and the sheer privilege it is. I get it. But sometimes I think we forget that God is more concerned with us and our inward self than with our accomplishments. And once I'm done with school, it's not like life is going to slow down. I will most likely have student loans, and one shouldn't be heading overseas with that looming over one's head. It's not wise. I will have to get a "big girl" job to pay off those wonderful student loans. I might have a family. Life will be unrelenting. On the other hand: why not get school done with? Just get over myself, buckle down, and grit my teeth through it. That would surely be an adventure of its own--and God can surely use me in school. I can live just as radically and fearlessly no matter where I am. The place doesn't change the person, it just changes their vantage point. Ideally, I don't think either choice is wrong. They both make sense. So I have to get beyond this. I have to surrender my desires and trust Him to lead me. I don't want to go somewhere He is not prompting me to go, I also don't want to stay if He is asking me to go. Ultimately, it's not about me; it's about Him. They're His plans, and it's His glory.

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Lord, I'm ready to go on an adventure with you... but I'm horrible with maps, so I will hand that over to you. Take the lead; I'll follow.

FINDING JOY

*Written in August of 2014*

This past season of my life seems to have been preparation for the preparation. (Get what I'm sayin'?) Yes. That’s right. God knew that I would be needing some preparation just to be prepared for His preparation! I am one of the weakest, most timid, naive persons I think I have—or will ever— meet. And that’s okay! In fact, I'll take joy in this!  Because I know (and now you know), anything I have ever done or will ever do, is only by the grace of God. 

From finding the strength & joy to get out of bed every. single. day. (yes, most days it's a challenge!), to being able to do anything of any importance in the Kingdom of God.

But do you know what’s crazy? I don’t want the kind of preparation He has been preparing me for! Don’t you think God could come up with a different idea for me than what He’s already made clear to me? I mean, I am really dreading this “college” thing. Yes, I’m signed up for the classes but there is still time to change things around!!! It’s not like it would take a whole lot of effort for God to change the direction of my path! 

Him beckoning me to college—and this is just my hunch— is not so much about where He is sending me(to further my education); but how He is sending me (meaning, my demeanor and my heart’s attitude).

We find joy not in what we’re doing, but Who we are doing it for.

You see, no matter what I decide to major in, no matter where I am in thirty years, if I’m not joyfully following after God and what He is asking me to do… well, I fear I may have missed a lesson somewhere along the way (possibly this lesson at this exact time)…

This is my dilemma. I don’t think there has ever been a time as this where I’ve had such a difficult time in following after my Lord and Savior joyfully. Facing this season of my life head on, knowing how I should be responding (joyfully) while every fiber of my being cringes at the thought. How do I change this? 

This is what I’m trying to figure out.

• Is it my narrow outlook and lack of vision?

• Is it a lack of love for God?

• Could it be something I’m doing wrong? 

As I am asking myself these questions, I am being reminded of a quote I read just the other day: “Joy doesn’t come from success, circumstances or a lack of adversity. It’s a good gift that comes from spending time with the One who created it.”

Joy is not like happiness. It’s not based on one’s circumstances; it’s not temporary.

Joy is a gift from God that does not get washed away with the tidal wave that came through and demolished your life.

What do I do, then? How do I move on from this doldrum that I’m stuck in?

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure. All I know is that I can’t continue to look at this path that God has placed me on with the same set of glasses I’ve been using. I need a new prescription. I might even need to go further and say I need a completely new set of eyes!

So here it is: I am going to challenge myself to “chin up”, face the music, choose to walk (more realistically, I might be crawling… digging my fingers into the ground, mustering up every ounce of strength I have… collapsing with nothing left in me… being carried by the strong, compassionate arms of grace—arms belonging to the One who saved my life and continuers to do so every moment of every day) down this path He has called me to travel, and to do so JOYFULLY.