Pull Up A Chair

Hello, long-lost-blog-reading-friends!
It's been over a year since I tried to pour out what was so heavy on my heart. Time sure does fly, does it not?!
I'm thinking I should try to get you up to speed on what's happened this past year so that I can, at some point in time, let you know what is going on currently - and since this is my blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do. *insert a "Mwah-hahaha" laugh here*

Shall we begin?

In January 2013, I went to a conference in Atlanta, GA. It was called Passion. (I will have you note, that was three months after I got the email from the orphanage in Uganda, Africa. If you want the backstory to that I would suggest looking at my previous post.) I was very hesitant to go to Passion but I obviously decided to - and I am so glad I did! God had a wonderful plan that would soon blow my socks off!

Going into this conference I was heartbroken. I was a pile of broken pieces and I stifled those dreams and longings that God placed in me. I didn't allow myself to dream in fear of getting hurt again. But lo and behold, God got talking to me while I was praying in one of the prayer rooms at Passion. He told me I needed to start dreaming again. Friends, that's when I lost it. I was a blubbery mess. "How in the world do I start dreaming again after all that my heart has been through?" I thought to myself. I didn't know how to even begin trying.

Continuing throughout the weekend, I just so happened to meet up with one of the girls I went to Uganda with during the summer of 2011! I just happened to post a picture on Facebook to which she commented asking if I was at Passion. So to cut the story short, we met up. :) Call me crazy, but I believe God knew I needed that. I needed someone I could pour my heart out to and someone I could also pour into. I needed that reminder of what God did on that Uganda trip as well as what He could presently do.

A night later I recognized one of the girls I was rooming with to be the same girl I had talked to while waiting to board a flight from Atlanta to Chicago on my way home from Uganda! (She had gone to Kenya with the same organization I had went with. I thought I recognized her from the training camp. Just to be sure I wasn't crazy, I started a conversation with her and found out that I, indeed, was not crazy! She was truly at training camp!)
The conversation I had with her in our hotel room in Atlanta went a little something like this:

Me - Can I ask you a few crazy questions? If you stick with me it will hopefully make sense. Is that okay?
Her- Okay... Sure.
Me - Have you been overseas?
Her- Yes...
Me- Have you been to Africa?
Her- Yes...
Me- Was it with an organization called Adventures In Missions last year?
Her- ..... Oh my gosh! Yes!!!! ... You're the girl I talked to at the airport!?!?!?!?!
Me- Oh my goodness!!! I thought I was crazy!!!

Pile all of these things together and you have one amazed Courtney. Call it coincidence if you would like but I know that it was not just by chance. I know that weekend was the work of my Creator. He gave me the joy in looking back, the peace and strength for the moment, and the hope in looking towards the future.

Time went by and I found myself dreaming again. I also found myself getting a job.
The struggle then became,
1.) do I head straight off overseas doing mission work of some kind
or 2.) do I stay in the states, work, and eventually go to college?

My heart wanted to head overseas right away! No time like the present and I will not be young forever, right?

Then there was the "stay in the states" option. And only the Lord knows how badly I did NOT want to do that! But for some reason, that's what I felt God calling me to do. 

Looking back, I know I tried to push that feeling aside. I tried very hard. But one night, after getting some wise council, I put it before the Lord. I asked God to give me complete peace about one thing or the other. And He did - but I didn't like it... He was calling me to stay in the states. I had to daily - and sometimes momentarily - surrender my will. I had to lay down my desire to rush right over to Africa. It was hard.

A few weeks later, I laid in my bed with a wandering mind. I wondered why it was so hard for me to stay in America. Finding that it was because of an idol and a trust issue I had. 

First, let's tackle the trust issue. You see, I feared that if I stayed in the states and went to school that God would abandon me. Deep down, I thought that He would just leave me and would never finish the work He'd started in me. I'd finish college, maybe have a family and a good job, but I would never see the dreams God placed in my heart come to fruition. Simply put: lack of trust.
Now to address the idol issue. This might be a tough one for me to explain so just grit your teeth with me and hopefully we will make it out alright... But first, let's start with someone else's words:

 “The human heart is an idol factory that takes good things like a successful career, love, material possessions, even family, and turns them into ultimate things. Our hearts deify them as the center of our lives, because, we think, they can give us significance and security, safety and fulfillment, if we attain them." -Tim Keller
I had made my desire to go to Africa an idol. What started out as a good thing, my desire to serve God in a distant land because of my love for Him, became my desire to be in a distant land to serve God. Does that make sense? My desire shifted. I placed being in Africa above loving and serving God. (Who knows if that came across correctly but I am trusting that you will somehow make sense of it.) 

That night I put both of those things to death. I smashed down my idol and I handed my entire life over to Christ - trusting that He would see me through.
I came to the point where I knew even if I never set foot in Africa again, I would still have complete trust that God knew what He was doing and He would see me through to the end of my race. Finishing the work He had begun in me...

And now, months later, I wait. I wait with joyful anticipation for the plans He has for my life.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," -Eph. 3:20

Until next time!